The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
