if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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