I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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