one word: firstdatebathroomanal
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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