I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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