Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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