May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
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God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
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Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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