I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
