I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize