im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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