My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
