Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
