Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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