He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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