There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
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Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
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and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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