not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
