I just cut my nipple shaving
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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