rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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