I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
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$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
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Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
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