Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
