you would pick up someone in the library
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
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I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
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In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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