Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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