you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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