I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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