wat bout pragnant strippers??
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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