only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
