Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
