I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
