I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
