I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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