He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
