My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
