I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
