Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Randomize
