Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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