i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We talked him into tasing himself.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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