He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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