Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
