ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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