I CAN MOONWALK!
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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