The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
