I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
