I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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