This girl is more easily done than said...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
