I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
