you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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