thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
