Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
