Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
