All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
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