I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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