I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
