I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
