You don't have asthma, your pregnant
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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