So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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