Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
