I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
