hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
