Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
