U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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